Drinking Humor

Bar Personalities

The Expert
No One can clear a bar out faster than "The Expert". 
He's the one who's been there, done that, has the 
T-Shirt and the hat. Heck, he even owns part of it! 
He knows something about everything and doesn't 
hesitate to tell you about it.

The Smokers
People always smoke more when they're drinking. There 
are two kinds of smokers; those that chain smoke and 
invariably sit next to a non-smoker and the "OPC" 
smokers. The latter are the kind who's favorite brand 
is "OPC's" (Other People's Cigarettes). They only 
smoke when they drink or their wife doesn't know 
they're smoking again, so they bum instead of forking 
out the three bucks bars charge for a pack of their 
own.

The Muncher 
"The Muncher" is the one who always parks himself next 
to your garnish tray. You never actually see him sneaking 
olives and fruit. The tray's assortment just diminishes 
and there's always the tell-tale sign of fruit rinds and 
cherry stems left behind. They always want to know, 
"What kind of free snackies do you have back there?".

The Entertainment
Oh boy, here he comes! You know you're in for some laughs 
now. Everyone loves this patron. They practically line up 
to buy him a shot to see what he'll do this time. His 
visit lives on long after you've called him a cab. Days 
later the story of his antics gets better and better.

The Big Spender
"The Big Spender" always buys a round of drinks for the 
bar. The tab comes up to $39.00 and he whips out two 
twenties and tells you to, "Keep the change. Ya know, 
you're a real good bartender!". You feel grateful that 
he remembered a tip this time.

The Jokester
"Hey, have you heard the one about..." is their usual 
opening statement. The joke is usually the one you told 
them last week, but once in awhile they come up with 
some gems.

The Complainer 
The dog's in the vet again, the car wouldn't start 
after spending three hours shoveling the driveway, which 
put out his back and wouldn't you know, the doctor's 
office was closed and he had to spend the entire night 
in the emergency room listening to some old lady complain 
about her bursitis.

The Talker 
Your bar is full, the lounge and dining room are packed, 
and there's a wedding in the banquet room. You're the 
only bartender on, have blenders going at both ends of 
the bar, and "The Talker" just has to tell you "this 
one story."

The Sampler 
"Hey, can you make me a Slimy Purple Flying Albatross?" 
After you make it they decide that they want to try 
something else usually because the one they just told you 
how to make didn't quite taste as good as the one they 
had in the islands. You just know how bad they're going 
to feel in the morning.

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